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When Someone You Love Steals From You


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#1 -losses-

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Posted 18 October 2010 - 12:05 AM

What do you do when someone you love steals from you but denies it, though a lot of evidence is there even while you have no full proof? What if this someone is also a person you have helped and given a lot to -emotionally, materially- and would never say "no" to if he needed your help? What do you now do about the relationship and how do you cope with the sense of betrayal? Any advice which helps to reduce the hurt (or helps me reconcile to my losses) will be deeply appreciated.

#2 -Guest-

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Posted 18 October 2010 - 12:18 AM

Well, first of all, make sure you are very sure that he really stole from you first. You will never know. No point in pondering over something that you cannot be 100% sure.

What do you do when someone you love steals from you but denies it, though a lot of evidence is there even while you have no full proof? What if this someone is also a person you have helped and given a lot to -emotionally, materially- and would never say "no" to if he needed your help? What do you now do about the relationship and how do you cope with the sense of betrayal? Any advice which helps to reduce the hurt (or helps me reconcile to my losses) will be deeply appreciated.



#3 -losses-

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Posted 18 October 2010 - 12:58 AM

Thanks for the advice. I guess you can never be sure of any theft. So what should i do? Just accept that i lost a lot of stuff and forget about it? Stuff that i worked hard for and many not replaceable?

#4 Zackling

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Posted 18 October 2010 - 01:30 AM

CHAPTER XVII OF SINGAPORE PENAL CODE
OFFENCES AGAINST PROPERTY
Theft


Theft.

378. Whoever, intending to take dishonestly any movable property out of the possession of any person without that person’s consent, moves that property in order to such taking, is said to commit theft.

Punishment for theft.

379. Whoever commits theft shall be punished with imprisonment for a term which may extend to 3 years, or with fine, or with both.

Theft in dwelling-house

380. Whoever commits theft in any building, tent or vessel, which building, tent or vessel is used as a human dwelling, or for the custody of property, shall be punished with imprisonment for a term which may extend to 7 years, and shall also be liable to fine.

1st. I would strongly recommend you to install CCTVS in your house at all corners where every part of the house could be seen on ur iphone / via internet.

2nd. record & capture of full blown image of the theft in process.

3rd. gather all evidences, hard copies/ soft copies/ full blown physical evidences with finger prints / DNA intact. Any form of evidences gathered (during the process of recovering) had to be puted into ziplock bags & labelled it up. During the process of gathering evidence, recordings must be made & gloves had to be worn at all times. All evidnces must be gathered & submit to the proper authories.

A crime is a crime. And Crime DOES NOT PAY!!

An offender is usually charged with the most serious offences that can be established on the facts of the case. On representations being made by the offender's lawyer to the prosecuting authority, the Prosecution may agree to charge the offender with lesser offences provided that he or she agrees to plead guilty to the reduced charges.

Edited by Zackling, 18 October 2010 - 01:41 AM.


#5 -losses-

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Posted 18 October 2010 - 01:58 AM

Thanks to Zackling for all that legal advice. Too late to install cameras. The losses have already been incurred.

One friend said something to me recently which made a lot of sense: "when you lose wealth, you lose nothing. When you lose health, you lose something. When you lose character, you lose everything". I lost wealth, which i can't take to the grave with me anyway. But he who stole from me has lost character, and he will have to live with that guilt all his life, even though he may be in denial.

For me the tragic thing, apart from the many sentimental and also valuable items that i will never be able to replace, is that i shall no longer be so trusting again. That is truly sad because i am by nature a very giving and trusting person(and i wouldn't even have doubted that person I loved, if not for much incriminating evidence as well as things i subsequently discovered about him and his "track record".)

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Posted 18 October 2010 - 08:45 AM

Thanks to Zackling for all that legal advice. Too late to install cameras. The losses have already been incurred.

One friend said something to me recently which made a lot of sense: "when you lose wealth, you lose nothing. When you lose health, you lose something. When you lose character, you lose everything". I lost wealth, which i can't take to the grave with me anyway. But he who stole from me has lost character, and he will have to live with that guilt all his life, even though he may be in denial.

For me the tragic thing, apart from the many sentimental and also valuable items that i will never be able to replace, is that i shall no longer be so trusting again. That is truly sad because i am by nature a very giving and trusting person(and i wouldn't even have doubted that person I loved, if not for much incriminating evidence as well as things i subsequently discovered about him and his "track record".)


From your reply, it seems you are pretty sure he did it and also have made an effort to find out more about him than usual. If you have gone that far, i guessed it is pretty obvious you are not going ot forgive him. So you already know the answer. Since you are prepared to lose your wealth. Then the next best thing is to break up with him. Just speak what is in your mind to him n call it a day.

#7 -losses-

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Posted 18 October 2010 - 09:36 AM

From your reply, it seems you are pretty sure he did it and also have made an effort to find out more about him than usual. If you have gone that far, i guessed it is pretty obvious you are not going ot forgive him. So you already know the answer. Since you are prepared to lose your wealth. Then the next best thing is to break up with him. Just speak what is in your mind to him n call it a day.



Wish life were that simple. I think there are two kinds of forgiving involved here. One is forgiving the theft, which is easier (not easy but easier, as anyone who has had things precious unwarrantably taken from them will understand). The other is forgiving the person. After all, another friend also said to me : "Friends and loved ones don't steal from you. If they did, they are not your friends and loved ones in the first place". Therefore, what is harder is come to terms with is the realization that someone you were good to and indeed loved (I would have never said "no" to him if he had asked me for anything that i was in a position to give him) may not even have been your dear friend/loved one after all. And this is the bigger sense of betrayal/disappointment.

#8 thorzguy

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Posted 18 October 2010 - 12:09 PM

Sorry to read about your lost. A comforting phrase for you: "rather to lose something money can buy than to lose something money cannot buy".

It seems to me that you are almost 100% certain that who is the theft in this case. Denial comes naturally, if one is prepared to steal. What exactly is the underlying reason for stealing? No matter how poor, desperate one is, one should not turn to stealing, for it may will be a scar/mark in his and/or owner's mind forever...

One can always forgive, but will not be able to forget (or at least forget totally). You have to decide what is your next course of action. Meanwhile, do look after your valuables (be it in whichever form - physical, mental) carefully. Lastly, once you are certain of your actions, act on it fast. Delaying will only prolong both you and his sufferings.

Take Care. :)

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Posted 18 October 2010 - 02:03 PM

Sorry to read about your lost. A comforting phrase for you: "rather to lose something money can buy than to lose something money cannot buy".

It seems to me that you are almost 100% certain that who is the theft in this case. Denial comes naturally, if one is prepared to steal. What exactly is the underlying reason for stealing? No matter how poor, desperate one is, one should not turn to stealing, for it may will be a scar/mark in his and/or owner's mind forever...

One can always forgive, but will not be able to forget (or at least forget totally). You have to decide what is your next course of action. Meanwhile, do look after your valuables (be it in whichever form - physical, mental) carefully. Lastly, once you are certain of your actions, act on it fast. Delaying will only prolong both you and his sufferings.

Take Care. :)


Thank you, thorzguy. Short of having an eyewitness or a camera, i can only say i am 95% sure. But i won't confront him. After all, he is someone I cared deeply about. But I am distancing myself from him - not to cut my losses but as an act of forgiveness -because if he doesn't see me anymore, at least he won't be reminded of the guilt so often. So i am doing this out of love for him as well.

But i am sad that our relationship has come to this. He could have just asked me for the monetary equivalent of what he took from me and i would have gladly helped him. And i think he knows that too. Perhaps he thinks by stealing, he doesn't owe me since i can never be fully sure. But he has ruined my trust in him and in people in general, forever.

#10 edisonlim84

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Posted 18 October 2010 - 02:24 PM

hey pal, dun be too sad over it..from ur replies i can see that you are viewing things while sitting on the fence.this is nt vry gd..why not sit down and weigh the pros and the cons of continuing the relationship, such as pros being probably u can continue feeling the love with him and cons being nt being able to trust him fully again..when u hav come up with a list of pros and cons, it is easier to decide ur next move..the loss of ur belongings is nt exactly a big deal for u i guess, but it is really one point in life that makes u reconsider that one guy beside u nw..consider wisely pal, and god bless you:)
You brought my happiness to its peak, along with my soul. Then, you threw me down without a warning, leaving me in pieces which cannot be mended, especially my broken heart

#11 -losses-

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Posted 18 October 2010 - 02:55 PM

Thank you Edisonlim84 for your good advice. Much appreciated.

#12 -Ironrod-

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Posted 18 October 2010 - 03:58 PM

hey pal, dun be too sad over it..from ur replies i can see that you are viewing things while sitting on the fence.this is nt vry gd..why not sit down and weigh the pros and the cons of continuing the relationship, such as pros being probably u can continue feeling the love with him and cons being nt being able to trust him fully again..when u hav come up with a list of pros and cons, it is easier to decide ur next move..the loss of ur belongings is nt exactly a big deal for u i guess, but it is really one point in life that makes u reconsider that one guy beside u nw..consider wisely pal, and god bless you:)


A leopard cannot change its spots

Meaning

The notion that things cannot change their innate nature.

Origin

From the Bible, Jeremiah 13:23 (King James Version):

"Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? then may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil."

Or

Like what Samantha says “fxxk me badly once, shame on you. fxxk me badly twice, shame on me.”

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Posted 18 October 2010 - 07:53 PM

I can understand your feelings. But if you cannot be sure it's him, then how can you ask him to give you back ?

Thanks for the advice. I guess you can never be sure of any theft. So what should i do? Just accept that i lost a lot of stuff and forget about it? Stuff that i worked hard for and many not replaceable?