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When Do We Stop Searching?


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#1 ymerej

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Posted 12 May 2013 - 09:22 PM

I am currently having some difficulties here. How do you tell if you have met the right person in your life? When do you stop searching and how can we make things last? care to share your two cents here?

#2 glowingember

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Posted 12 May 2013 - 09:32 PM

That depends on what you mean by the right person. If you both feel better when you are together, then he could be The One. For making things last: treat the present well for the future is unpredictable.

After all, tomorrow is another day. ~ S O'Hara


#3 merlinkun

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Posted 12 May 2013 - 09:37 PM

It depends on timing as well, what if he is leaving to work overseas for a year?


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Posted 12 May 2013 - 09:41 PM

Some people are just too kiasu, even when searching for their partner. They keep wanting the best, so they refuse to settle for someone they are currently seeing, and keep hoping for a better guy to come along. Alas, time and tide waits for no man. Before they realize it, days turn into weeks, weeks into months and months into years, and they find it harder to find a partner. Many end up without a partner.

#5 MeowPrince

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Posted 12 May 2013 - 09:47 PM

For making things last: treat the present well for the future is unpredictable.

 

I think this says it well for most of us.  We may plan for the future, but even plans will meet curves on the road.

 

Personally, I won't stop searching for good friends to surrounding myself with.  But for my dear bf, I think we both feel we've found someone we feel good to have around (the little annoyances notwithstanding, who doesn't have those), so we're happy to enjoy what we can of our current relationship.


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#6 SeannyShortcake

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Posted 12 May 2013 - 10:05 PM

When you found someone.

 

If you're looking to settle down and have found someone you are able to click with for the first hundred dates or so,

whatcha waiting for?


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#7 EasleyLim

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Posted 12 May 2013 - 10:06 PM

Some people are just too kiasu, even when searching for their partner. They keep wanting the best, so they refuse to settle for someone they are currently seeing, and keep hoping for a better guy to come along. Alas, time and tide waits for no man. Before they realize it, days turn into weeks, weeks into months and months into years, and they find it harder to find a partner. Many end up without a partner.

 

On the other hand, not settling down for ANY Tom, Beng or Harris is not a bad thing to do either. Some people want a partner so bad, they'll take anyone who returns their affections... even if they were bought with money. 


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Posted 12 May 2013 - 10:20 PM

Depends on when u wanna stop searching. Some people can be

1) in a stable relationship but one or either party still want something more or different

2) might not be their ideal relationship but they are tired or for whatever reason they just accept it and not wanna 'search' anymore.

Really depends on what you want, your own thinking and your expectations. Some can continue searching at 50 plus, some can accept at 20 plus.

#9 ymerej

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Posted 12 May 2013 - 10:49 PM

Thanks for the inputs guys. I definitely find the statement "treat the present well because the future is unpredictable" very thought provoking. do we really treat someone well just because we don't know what's next in store for us? Or is it that it just teaches us to treasure what we have now? I vaguely recall a post on fields and some analogy which I forgotten... does it ring a bell with anyone?

I also agree that there's no perfect age to find someone because it's just so arbitrary. Another point brought up which I haven't considered is that what if someone you like is posted overseas or going on an overseas education, can long distance rs work out?

And no. bought love is not love.

Hey guys do you think that we shouldn't wait or select any more? We should treasure what we have now and build upon it? It doesn't matter if the foundation is not the strongest so you can build the tallest building but the main point is that we build a house which can resist the harshest knocks? :/

#10 IkuTube

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Posted 12 May 2013 - 11:31 PM

Try living in the moment.  The power of NOW is much greater than we can possibly think.  In the 'now-ness', if ever we can succeed to live in it, will make us to appreciate (and be grateful) all the circumstances that have come to greet into our lives.  All that we need to do is to live for this moment, build the faith and cast away all doubts. 

 

Tomorrow is build upon the present.  We just have to nurture it and allow the Law of Gestation to fruition.  Too much thinking is a burden and so is too much analysis that will only paralyze the flow of opportunities.


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#11 -Be Fair-

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Posted 12 May 2013 - 11:33 PM

Please decide soon and don't let the other party wait for months or years while u try to make up your mind whether to build on existing or to search for better guy. Be fair to the other party. Or at least clearly tell him that u have not yet decided to search for a better one.

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Posted 12 May 2013 - 11:44 PM

How would you feel if you are in a relationship which you think is stable, and one fine day your bf wanted out because he has found a better guy? He wants to call it quits not because he is very unhappy with u but because he has been quietly looking for someone better (e.g. In terms of looks, earnings etc.) and he finally found that someone better?

Would you not be angry with him for not letting you that he was still on the lookout for a better guy? If he had told u that he was still on the lookout, at least you could decide to take your chances that he would not be able to find someone better, or to just break up with him to look for less kiasu guy.

#13 Slynn

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 12:34 AM

Of course, you shouldn't just dive into a relationship blindly just because you want one. But at the same time, it is not good to complicate things and think too much. If the guy is decent enough and there are mutual feelings, you may just want to give it a try. 

 

I made a mistake of thinking too much: There was a guy whom I got along very well, but I did not get into a relationship for him despite we had feelings for one another. I do not actually know the reason myself, perhaps I was scared to enter into a relationship.

 

Now that I look back, he'd have made a great bf (though of course, I won't know if it would have lasted. No one will know truly, shit happens). I haven't actually met someone whom hit along as well after that. However it has been a long time since then and our feelings for one another have sorta disappeared.

 

I don't think it is good to be 'quietly looking for someone better' because a relationship is built on commitment, unless you realize there are irreconcilable differences between you. Each relationship is different anyway. And there are other factors you have to look at in the long run: The difference in personality may be small and significant at present, but will the gap be widened drastically in the future because of career or financial differences? But don't over complicate things xD


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#14 iamziz

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 04:54 AM

If I may add:

 

“We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.” 
― Bill Watterson


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#15 slut

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 05:25 AM

when it feels right, it is



#16 MeowPrince

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 07:45 AM

...

Hey guys do you think that we shouldn't wait or select any more? We should treasure what we have now and build upon it? It doesn't matter if the foundation is not the strongest so you can build the tallest building but the main point is that we build a house which can resist the harshest knocks? :/

 

A few years earlier, I was extremely picky, wanting intellect, looks, strength of character, blah blah... I missed out on someone who did make me happy in those moments we spent together, and I never realised how precious those were until I lost him to a road accident.  After that, I'd meet crushes and idiots through my interests (photography, cats, etc).  A precious few became friends.  It was only early last year that I meet my now-boyfriend. He and I share some similar likes, but we are pretty much as far apart as the sun and the moon when it comes to my earlier "criterion".  We've had our fair share of spats between us since, but each time we drew closer after.  His qualifications and mine, our earning potentials, our IQ/EQ/AQ are a world apart.  But its those flashes of us amidst our flaws (in each other's eyes) that make the other so much more endearing and worthy of loving.

Oh, may I also add - sex is NEVER in the equation between us.  

 

So, if you are seeking quantifiable measures and numbers, then I'd say you're a fool who probably deserves the years of emptiness like I had. 

How do you know where/when/how strong your relationship is - you DON'T.  You grow with it and build upon it.

How do you know you have reached the highest peak - you NEVER DO.  But you can choose to be content with it.

When will you have built it to resist the hardest knocks - when you're dead, and he remembers you fondly and moves on in your memory.

 

Hope this makes sense to you.


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#17 players02

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 09:38 AM

I am currently having some difficulties here. How do you tell if you have met the right person in your life? When do you stop searching and how can we make things last? care to share your two cents here?

 

Good question that has been asked for ages. Not just related to LGBT society but the straight ones as well.

 

I can say with outmost confidence that there is no 'right' person. Rather, it is the person who makes you want to be more than what you are and appreciate that along with the faults of oneself. Every relationship needs work from both sides. Love doesn't last forever but keeping the 'flame' alive is what keeps the relationship going.

 

Hard to put it in words. I love actions more :)



#18 -Passingthru-

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 10:00 AM

How do you tell if you have met the right person in your life?

1.  Even if he's the right person for you, you might not be the right person for him.  If you keep up this 'one way traffic' situation, eventually he becomes the wrong person for you.  Back to square one.
2.  There is rarely a right person. There is a beneficial person, a clever person, a useful person, a dependable person, a handsome person, a funny person but hardly ever a right person.  Let this sink in.
3.  You meet someone who can be a partner in life and together you get things done.  Anyone else besides is either baggage, epiphytic, a pet or parasitic.

 

When do you stop searching......

-  When you look into the mirror, your candid photos and activities in life and realise that even you wouldn't be searching for you.

 

......and how can we make things last?
1.  Establish a basic culture that's mutually agreeable and stick to it.

2.  Establish house rules.

3.  Take one big annual holiday together.  Plan well, warm up and crescendo to it.

4.  Take annual sabbaticals from each other.

  Care to share your two cents here?
-  I just did and I'm very confident that it's worth more than 2 cents.

 



#19 Aztrole

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 11:29 AM

Someone (a young chap ironically) told me this. In the past, people simply love the ones they were with. Now people constantly look for the 'right one'.

 

To some extent, the internet/media, globalisation, and society's values have messed with our head. It has created a perception of infinite choices out there. And of course, traditional peer pressure and social media might add to the nagging at the back of one's head that yours is not as good as someone else's.

 

I guess when you stop searching is when you stop worrying.



#20 Wilbur

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 02:05 PM

I feel that sometimes love hits you at the most unsuspecting period. And when you're in love, you know. So don't bother searching for it. Just keep an open mind. But do open up some doors for yourself as well so when it comes knocking, there's no door to block it :)
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#21 lean n mean

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 08:39 PM

Choose the one you love. Then love the one you choose. 

 

Give your best. Enjoy the present. 

 

Hope for the best. Be prepared for the worst. 

 

Tell yourself that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 



#22 darkiedark

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 08:44 PM

Really all about gut feel lor. But then sometimes accidents do happen. Someone will pop up even when you are not searching. So u need to learn how to reject too.

#23 ymerej

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 09:15 PM

I always strongly believe that what goes around comes around so yup I won't give false hopes to anyone both guys and girls alike. But somehow it restricts myself for some reason... Ok but this random thought aside, yes like so many of you pointed out, it's always the best policy to treasure what we currently have. don't look elsewhere, look what's in front of you is most important.

But the cruel fact still exists when the supposed right person for you doesn't reciprocate. that's something we all have to balance out in the end I guess. I think I learnt something guys.. having criteria only makes us more myopic. bad and we must avoid.

Something new you guys pointed out again: so now with technology like the Internet, it becomes SO easy to meet new people and because it's SO easy, people can easily find the new "right" one in their lives. I was thinking to myself, I really admire how the older generations find their right one... without the aid of technology. But is this a question of no choice? Now, it's a matter of too many choices. Irony.

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 09:23 PM

I am currently having some difficulties here. How do you tell if you have met the right person in your life? When do you stop searching and how can we make things last? care to share your two cents here?

stop searching and start living.the best guys are those who are not actively looking for ons.

And older guys actually takes time to know their partners personally before any commitments.(disclaimer: not all)

Food for thought.



#25 Monkey

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 09:38 PM

A few years earlier, I was extremely picky, wanting intellect, looks, strength of character, blah blah... I missed out on someone who did make me happy in those moments we spent together, and I never realised how precious those were until I lost him to a road accident.  After that, I'd meet crushes and idiots through my interests (photography, cats, etc).  A precious few became friends.  It was only early last year that I meet my now-boyfriend. He and I share some similar likes, but we are pretty much as far apart as the sun and the moon when it comes to my earlier "criterion".  We've had our fair share of spats between us since, but each time we drew closer after.  His qualifications and mine, our earning potentials, our IQ/EQ/AQ are a world apart.  But its those flashes of us amidst our flaws (in each other's eyes) that make the other so much more endearing and worthy of loving.

Oh, may I also add - sex is NEVER in the equation between us.  

 

So, if you are seeking quantifiable measures and numbers, then I'd say you're a fool who probably deserves the years of emptiness like I had. 

How do you know where/when/how strong your relationship is - you DON'T.  You grow with it and build upon it.

How do you know you have reached the highest peak - you NEVER DO.  But you can choose to be content with it.

When will you have built it to resist the hardest knocks - when you're dead, and he remembers you fondly and moves on in your memory.

 

Hope this makes sense to you.

 

Good comments like yours, above, are really hard to come by nowadays. I reluctantly agree with you, but I just cannot get myself to change the criterions. It ain't easy. I think I am doomed to be alone. :(



#26 kennethhost

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 10:09 PM

There is no perfect match, treat every relationship seriously and treat it as the last. If it does not work, it will end itself, then you get a lesson learnt.

 

You still automatically stop searching when you found someone that you can live with until the end. :)



#27 ArchDragon

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Posted 14 May 2013 - 07:23 AM

Really all about gut feel lor. But then sometimes accidents do happen. Someone will pop up even when you are not searching. So u need to learn how to reject too.


Haha I agree. Mine popped up when I'm not even searching.

#28 Raiden Alpha

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Posted 14 May 2013 - 08:38 AM

When to stop searching?

Well when you start to realise there is no "Right" person in the first place, you and your date need to put in effort to make it "Right" for each other, I suppose.
未入俗世,谈何得脱?
既入俗世,莫问因果。

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Posted 14 May 2013 - 08:52 AM

i'm still searching for the one and only k

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Posted 14 May 2013 - 11:30 AM

Heaven and Earth are ruthless.  To them the Ten Thousand Things are but as straw dogs.  Somehow, we are stucked in between.  Search, and self-reflect.  Out and In,  and call this a life.  If life is a journey, sometimes the scenery on the way to the destination is more memorable than that at the destination itself. 



#31 -Ljam6-

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Posted 14 May 2013 - 01:07 PM

I belived that right person comes at the right time at the right place. 

 

I never thought that I will be inlove and beloved  again with this type of relationship,

 

well beacause after I got married i tought it is the end. Now im 14 yrs married

 

 

 

last 2 yrs ago, one person came accross, in which i think a right person came and I felt being cared,appreciated and beloved, but my situation  now is deffirent,we cant be together anytime we should always be careful of our moves, I am married and he is engaged.

 

 * Yes we do Established a basic culture that's mutually agreeable and stick to it

 * We Established house rules like ( we cant sms,vibe,whatsapp) when we know that we are at our own partners.

 * Our Holidays together was carefully plan

 * No boundaries, the flames is always lit regardsless of distance, as he worked as pilot so some days we are away from each other, we proved it when he was  assigned other city for 6 mos.

 

For now we dont know whats ahead of us, but we believed that we have to nuture every moments that we are together !!!

 

 

 

 



#32 thaiboyz

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Posted 14 May 2013 - 01:12 PM

Men are natural hunter. We hunt, eat and move on.... Can't stop as hunting behavior is part of us.

#33 Only4awhile

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 03:10 PM

I like this topic cos it is what I hv been pondering lately.

I have tried to seek actively. I have also tried to wait passively. There is a lot of anxiety, excitement and pain involved in the process.

Until I realized what's the most important thing in life.

And then the saying makes more sense. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

Then I stop searching, stop waiting and be happy.

#34 Dorkable

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 03:13 PM

The less expectations, the less disappointments they say. But I'm a seeker by nature. The way I see it, if you have something to seek, you have a hope or goal in life to strive for. In any case, I always believe in keeping things in moderation, that's the way to live by. 



#35 robin

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Posted 18 June 2013 - 08:06 AM

To find the Right One, the pre-requisite is to have the right attitude (eg; honesty to self, realistic in expectations, proactive etc). With that, when you meet someone & you question if he is the One, then the answer is probably not, else you wouldn't be in doubt.

#36 GachiMuchi

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Posted 18 June 2013 - 09:33 AM

The following post I've taken off my friends facebook page. Hope it will help those who are searching for their other half.

 

============
 

你發覺了嗎? 

愛的感覺,總是在一開始覺得很甜蜜, 

總覺得多一個人陪,多一個人幫你分擔, 

你終於不再孤單了,至少有一個人想著你, 

戀著你,不論做什麼事情, 

只要能一起,就是好的.... 

 

....但是慢慢的,隨著彼此的認識愈深, 

你開始發現了對方的缺點, 

於是問題一個接著一個發生, 

你開始煩,累,甚至想要逃避, 

有人說愛情就像在撿石頭, 

總想撿到一個適合自己的, 

但是你又如何知道什麼時候能夠撿到呢? 

他/她適合你,那你又適合他/她嗎? 

 

其實,愛情就像磨石子一樣, 

或許剛撿到的時候,你不是那麼的滿意, 

但是記住人是有彈性的, 

很多事情是可以改變的, 

只要你有心,有勇氣, 

與其到處去撿未知的石頭, 

還不如好好的將自己已經擁有的石頭磨亮,你開始磨了嗎? 

很多人以為是因為感情淡了, 

所以人才會變得懶惰。 

錯! 

其實是人先被惰性征服, 

所以感情才會變淡的。 

 

在某個聚餐的場合, 

有人提議多吃點蝦對身體好, 

 

聽到了嗎?明白了嗎? 

 

難怪越來越多人只想要談一輩子的戀愛, 

卻遲遲不肯走入婚姻。 

因為,婚姻容易讓人變得懶惰。 

 

如果每個人都 

懶得講話, 

懶得傾聽, 

懶得製造驚喜, 

懶得溫柔體貼, 

那麼夫妻或是情人之間, 

又怎麼會不漸行漸遠漸無聲呢? 

 

 

*所以請記住: 

有活力的愛情, 

是需要適度殷勤灌溉的, 

談戀愛,更是不可以偷懶的喔! 

 

有一對情侶,相約下班後去用餐,逛街, 

可是女孩因為公司會議而延誤了, 

當她冒著雨趕到的時候已經遲到了30多分鐘, 

他的男朋友很不高興的說: 

你每次都這樣,現在我什麼心情也沒了, 

我以後再也不會等你了! 

剎那間,女孩終於決堤崩潰了, 

她心裡在想:或許,他們再也沒有未來了 

 

同樣的在同一個地點,另一對情侶也面臨同樣的處境; 

女孩趕到的時候也遲到了半個鐘頭, 

他的男朋友說:“我想你一定忙壞了吧!” 

接著他為女孩拭去臉上的雨水,並且脫去外套蓋在女孩身上, 

此刻,女孩流淚了 

但是流過她臉頰的淚卻是溫馨的。 

 

你體會到了嗎? 

其實愛,恨往往只是在我們的一念之間! 

愛不僅要懂得寬容更要及時, 

很多事可能只是在於你心境的轉變罷了! 

懂了嗎? 

當有個人愛上你,而你也覺得他不錯。 

那並不代表你會選擇他。 

 

我們總說:“我要找一個自己很愛很愛的人,才會談戀愛。” 

但是當對方問你,怎樣才算是很愛很愛的時候, 

你卻無法回答他,因為你自己也不知道。 

 

沒錯,我們總是以為,我們會找到一個自己很愛很愛的人。 

可是後來,當我們猛然回首,我們才會發覺自己曾經多麼天真。 

假如從來沒有開始,你怎麼知道自己會不會很愛很愛那個人呢? 

其實,很愛很愛的感覺,是要在一起經歷了許多事情之後才會發現的。 

或許每個人都希望能夠找到自己心目中百分之百的伴侶, 

 

所以,還是仔細看看身邊的人吧!他或許已經等你很久了 

 

當你愛一個人的時候,愛到八分絕對剛剛好。 

所有的期待和希望都只有七八分,剩下兩三分用來愛自己。 

如果你還繼續愛得更多,很可能會給對方沉重的壓力,讓彼此喘不過氣來, 

完全喪失了愛情的樂趣。 

 

所以請記住, 

喝酒不要超過六分醉, 

吃飯不要超過七分飽, 

愛一個人不要超過八分 

 

如果你也正在為愛迷惘,或許下面這段話可以給你一些啟示: 

 

愛一個人,要了解,也要開解; 

要道歉,也要道謝; 

要認錯,也要改錯; 

要體貼,也要體諒; 

是接受,而不是忍受; 

是寬容,而不是縱容; 

是支持,而不是支配; 

是慰問,而不是質問; 

是傾訴,而不是控訴; 

是難忘,而不是遺忘; 

是彼此交流,而不是凡事交代; 

是為對方默默祈求, 

而不是向對方諸多要求; 

可以浪漫,但不要浪費; 

 

`*不要隨便牽手, 

`*更不要隨便放手



#37 GachiMuchi

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Posted 18 June 2013 - 10:02 AM

Another post taken off my friends facebook page. Hope it will help those who are searching for their other half.

======================

我昨天跟一個學生分享了我的找人密技 歸納整理的結果 就是以下這4點

1 積極主動不怕被拒絕 告訴自己 天下之大 一定會有一個 直得你排除萬難 去尋找的人 用盡所有可以去尋找的方法 包括 在臉書上看遍所有朋友的好友 都是可行的方式

2 選擇方向正確 只要發現苗頭不對 馬上放棄 絕不戀棧 哪怕對方帥的跟金城武一樣 說放棄就放棄 一開始就可以明顯發現的問題 絕對不可能在未來有所改變 江山易改本性難移 就算會改變 也絕對不是你去改變他 因為 這樣 你只是幫別人教好他而已 最後他一定不會是你的

3 清楚知道自己想要 跟不想要的條件 也清楚讓對方知道 你想要跟不想要的條件 絕對不要浪費時間在 未來不斷的發現問題 然後再放棄 該放棄的 一開始就可以放棄了

4 要忍得住衝動 通常第一次見面就上床的 百分之99都會失敗收場 懂得等待的人 通常 也會是值得等待的人 不過 也不要讓人家等太久 3個月應該就是極限了 最快 要隔個10次的見面 如果他的火沒熄 應該以後也不會熄了 當然 你自己也是

以上 祝大家都可以找到幸福



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Posted 18 June 2013 - 02:43 PM

All this rubbish about the right ones when there are more divorces and break off these days among straights and lgtb. In the early days where marriages are arranged , couple stick through thick and thin, nowadays people are more selfish, greedy, looking for the 'perfect' one , etc these are all sins that led to break off !

#39 Exynos

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Posted 18 June 2013 - 03:25 PM

I think it's a situation where, if you're in love and in a relationship with your bf, then maybe it's a sign to stop looking and try to work things out so that you are his "one", and he's your "one"? Granted relationships do fail... so when it ends, then just go on the search again lor. I believe it's a never-ending cycle. :) but do cherish the one you have now.


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#40 oveal

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Posted 18 June 2013 - 10:37 PM

On the contrary, some people never stop searching. Like a serial monogamist who enjoys the process so much that he gets trapped in an endless cycle. A loop that he cannot get out of and hence will never settle down for long with anyone. Or maybe people stop searching when they become jaded; when they get sick of constantly meeting new people, partaking in self-disclosure, getting close to someone and eventually losing him. Haha I think I sound too pessimistic :/ 


Edited by oveal, 18 June 2013 - 10:38 PM.




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